Return to Reality
by AngelicTrinity
Summary: Rachel Ashford notices that her friend Alice looks much happier than she has in ages and muses about the time the latter first transferred into her high school to the time that she was in denial about her older sister's death. Post-Truth Ending. (Because who said that Alice would be unhappy returning to her original world and didn't have people who cared waiting for her there?)


**Hey! This is a new fanfic that took me three days to write up! I hope you enjoy this!**

 **Also, any questions you have will be answered at the bottom. Probably. Can't be too sure.**

 **The language is quite formal, but considering that in my headcanon Alice lives in the Victorian Era... well, they were all about manners, reputation and appearances.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the HnKnA series. I do, however, own Rachel Ashford's history and personality. She happens to be one of Alice's friends in her original world and is probably happy that Alice chose her original world over trigger happy Wonderland.**

* * *

 **Return to Reality**

There was something different about Alice that Rachel Ashford could not quite put her finger on. She noticed this when Alice had actually agreed to meet her at a café on a Sunday afternoon.

Which was a little unexpected; the servants had told Rachel that Alice had been stuck in bed with an extremely serious fever last week, completely unconscious for several days much to the despair of the servants attending to her. The eldest Liddell sister had passed away a few years ago, and the idea of another member of the family losing their life was something they dreaded; many of the servants had raised Alice and her siblings ever since they were born. Losing Lorina had affected them very much.

But then Alice had called her the day before, several days after she awoke from her temporary coma, and asked if she wanted to go to the same café that Rachel had been trying to invite her to for over a year much to Rachel's shock. Alice had to repeat her question over the telephone again before Rachel snapped herself out of the daze that set in and said yes, she would be happy to meet with Alice since it had been far too long.

But the Alice that greeted her did not look like she was ill or showed any sign that she was recovering from a fever.

She appeared to be... healthy. Both mentally and physically.

Alice looked younger and there was a light in her eyes that had been practically non-existent since the day her beloved elder sister had died and been buried deep beneath the earth. That had been a very trying time for both Rachel and their third companion, Laura, who they befriended in their last year of high school. Rachel and Laura were the ones who noticed that something was very wrong with their grieving friend, but were unsure how to approach the problem without setting Alice off as they did in their previous attempts to get her to do anything other than mope around the house and the back garden.

After she and Alice hung up with a promise to meet, Rachel immediately dialed up Laura to invite her but the latter already had plans. So it would just be Alice and Rachel.

"Hullo, Rachel." Alice said to her as she sat down. Her face was flushed a healthy light pink, indicating that she was somewhat out of breath but otherwise fine.

More 'fine' than she had ever been in years.

"Hullo, Alice." Rachel returned her greeting. "I haven't ordered anything yet; I decided to wait for you. It struck me as impolite to eat ahead of your host."

"I hope you were not waiting too long."

"Not at all. I only waited for half-an-hour."

The look her friend gave her told Rachel that she should have gone ahead and ordered. But Rachel felt uncomfortable about going ahead and eating without the friend _she_ had invited over to eat with her.

Especially now that Alice had actually responded to one of her invitations to meet with each other on a Sunday afternoon. Something that Rachel had been persistently doing for over a year ever since she discovered Alice's habit of _dreaming_ on that particular day, no matter how many times her invitations had been rejected.

 **[~]**

The two college students had been friends ever since the former had transferred to Rachel's high school years ago. Rachel remembered that day like it was yesterday; she had heard the rumours about a girl from a wealthy upper class family attending the school, but she paid it no mind. Rumours were just rumours and Rachel refused to waste her time on groundless hearsay.

Especially hearsay that sprouted from the mouth of the school's biggest gossip, Cassandra Barlow.

Imagine her surprise when it turned out that the rumoured upper class girl was transferring to Rachel's class and assigned to sit right next to her. Even more so when the two of them became friends because Rachel finally got sick of listening to the rumours and people keeping their distance from her due to Alice's social status.

Honestly, jealousy was such a petty thing.

It took a little bit of effort on her part, but eventually Rachel was able to befriend the new girl. She was initially cold to Rachel at first, but that was no doubt because of what everyone else around her was saying. And the few people who did choose to talk to the new girl had spoken to her with barely concealed malice; polite in tone but the roundabout language they used in the little interaction they had with the new girl was very insulting.

Her name was Alice Liddell and she had been the talk of the school weeks after her transfer. A lot of the topics that circulated around her arrival was the reason why she was attending public school in the first place. Many theories ranged from being kicked out of boarding school to having an affair with a tutor that her family had to cover up to prevent a scandal. The rumours made Rachel scoff and roll her eyes; typical of her school mates to think of the most outrageous theories ever.

Or maybe not so outrageous when Rachel later learned that something happened between Alice and her private tutor (who also happened to be her ex-boyfriend), a fact that had accidentally slipped from the lips of Alice's older sister when Rachel had come over one time.

But that little slip was enough for Rachel to figure out why Alice had opted to attend a lower class Academy rather than a boarding school like many girls of her social position. It also explained the emotional fragility she saw in her friend's eyes sometimes whenever other girls came up to Alice and asked if she had a boyfriend or if there was any boy she was courting.

It was not until she was attending the funeral of Alice's older sister many years later that she was able to pierce things together.

And one of those facts was that Alice's former tutor, ex-boyfriend and Lorina's husband were one and the same. The looks of longing, sadness, and bitterness that Alice shot her brother-in-law and older sister whenever she thought no one was looking had suddenly made sense to Rachel. When she spoke to Edith about it when the guests were mingling with each other after the funeral, the youngest Liddell in turn made an off hand comment. The exact sentiment of that comment was that she found it disgusting that her second eldest sister was still trying to pursue her ex-boyfriend despite the fact that he had already married Lorina and had a child with her in union.

Alice's older sister and ex-boyfriend had married? And had a child? That could not have been a pleasant experience and it was no wonder Alice wanted to get away from them. Though why did she choose to attend public schooling rather than a boarding school?

Rachel understood what Edith was saying, but that was a horrible thing to say about her own sister. After getting that useful info from Alice's _wonderful_ little sister, Rachel realized that her friend was missing and immediately set off to find her.

When she finally found Alice, she also witnessed Alice's brother-in-law declaring in front of his wife's grave that he would never love another woman for as long as he lived despite the short time they were married. He would also live for the daughter they had together. As touching as the scene had been, Rachel had not been the only witness to that declaration of love.

Her friend had seen everything as well. Perhaps even more since Rachel had arrived in time just to hear Alice's ex-boyfriend declare his eternal life for his dead wife. When Rachel went over to walk Alice back to the remaining members of the Liddell family, she found it difficult to look her friend in the eye. Alice's eyes were completely dead. The declaration of love in front of Lorina's grave must have been the final blow to Alice's fragile psyche in the face of her sister's death.

And that was when Alice started to drown herself in dreams of the past, of the times when she was most happy and the times that would never come again.

 **[~]**

Alice and her elder sister, Lorina, had been very close.

Rachel had met Lorina several times during the parent conferences and whenever she came over to the Liddell household. And even though she only witnessed the interactions between the two sisters a few times, she could tell that Alice adored and looked up to her older sister very much- though she also realized that not everything was sunshine and daisies with the two of them. When Lorina passed away, Alice had been devastated. She lost interest in everything and started shutting herself off from everyone to the point that even their workaholic father noticed that something was wrong with his middle child.

Her friend somehow placed the blame on herself for her beloved elder sister's death, when Lorina in truth had passed away from the same illness that robbed their mother of their life years ago. Such illnesses were far from uncommon, but prior to Lorina's sickness setting in, Alice and Lorina had been arguing with each other. Apparently it was the first row the two sisters ever had, as Alice respected Lorina and tried to emulate her to the best of her abilities.

Alice had wanted to move out of the house. Lorina in turn was highly against this, as she had a strong belief that families should stick together. The two of them rowed on and on, repeating the argument over and over again until Lorina collapsed during one of their arguments.

Not very long afterwards, Lorina passed away in her sleep.

While Rachel did not have a clear answer as to why Alice blamed herself for Lorina's death, she surmised that Alice thought that their arguing had caused the illness. Or sped it up. But all the same, Alice really had nothing to do with Lorina's death. It was just unfortunate that the eldest Liddell came down with the illness. Rachel's own father, whose father before him had been a doctor, stated that the disease was perhaps genetic within their own family and that Lorina would have come down with it regardless if things were tense between the two eldest Liddell sisters.

Not that this made Alice feel any better.

 **[~]**

It was not until Rachel decided to visit her grieving friend unannounced on a Sunday afternoon that she realized something going on. Edith, who had opened the door for her, had told her none too politely that Alice was napping in the backyard again. Edith's disdain implied that napping in the backyard had at some point become a regular thing for her older sister and that something about it was unnatural. But in that disdain, Rachel noted that there was a trace of worry in Edith's voice as well.

Out of concern and curiosity, Rachel went to the back gardens to investigate herself.

Rachel would never forget their interaction on that particular Sunday afternoon; it would forever remain burned in her memory.

Just as Edith had said, Alice was taking a nap underneath a tree. Her friend had been lying on top of a blanket and next to her was some dishware and a platter of cookies. What drew her attention, however, was the amount of dishware and food there was on the blanket. There was also second cup and plate set on the blanket. And the number of cookies on the plate was too much for a single person to be able to eat by themselves.

The arrangement of the picnic puzzled her at first; with the way things were set up there was supposed to be a second person. But Rachel was well aware of the animosity between Alice and Edith, mostly on the latter's side, and the idea of Alice's father who was constantly buried in his work was laughable. She knew little about the man through the conversations she had with her friend, but she knew enough to grasp that the man was a workaholic who thought more about his work than his own daughters.

But then she remembered that Sunday afternoons were a very special time for Alice. Sundays were the days that she spent the afternoon with her sister having tea and reading books alongside each other.

"L-Lorina?" Rachel had nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard Alice croak the name of her beloved elder sister. Her eyes were unfocused and Rachel realized that she was groggy with sleep.

"No." Rachel blinked in surprise. "Rachel."

"Did she go back inside?"

Alice's words halted Rachel's thought processes. _What?_

The young woman huffed. "I do wish she woke me up, even if she is going inside just for a short while."

Rachel realized just how rude she had been when she gaped openmouthed at Alice, but she could not help it. The way that Alice was speaking about her sister... Alice was talking about Lorina as if the eldest Liddell sister was still alive. As if she had not been buried in the cemetery three months prior with everyone whoever loved Lorina looking on.

Rachel's heart beat so quickly she thought it would wear out and stop completely.

Alice was... she thought that her older sister was still alive.

As the daughter of psychologist who listened to her father's stories regarding his patients with the fortunate opportunity to meet and interact with some of them, she knew some of the signs of when someone was mentally... unbalanced. Though Rachel was loathed to admit it to herself, perhaps Lorina's death had hit Alice much harder than anyone originally thought.

"Alice." Rachel said, her voice firm with resolution as she began to speak. She was not looking forward to how her friend would react to what she would say, but it needed to be dead.

"Yes?"

"Lorina is dead. She passed away three months ago of an illness. You attended her funeral with her husband, daughter, Edith and your father." The servants had been there as well, but she was not going to list them all; the two of them would be there for hours if she did.

Rachel needed to do something about this now. While she was certain it was not the same thing, Alice's words stirred something within her memory. A memory of a fascinating and sad case her father had dealt with until the patient of the case had died.

One of her father's case involved a noblewoman whose husband had left her for a younger woman of a lower nobility rank. But instead of acknowledging that her husband had left, she deluded herself into thinking that her now ex-husband was simply traveling around for business. She had convinced herself that this fact was the truth, and any time someone tried to say otherwise, they found themselves dealing with an enraged noblewoman prone to hysterical tantrums and threats.

No matter how many times her father had spoken to the woman, she still believed that her husband was traveling abroad. And the few moments that she was forced to face the truth, she threw a fit so horrid that her father and some of the other psychiatrists in attendance had to medicate her before she hurt someone.

The one time they did not, the noblewoman tried to claw her father's eyes out.

Rachel highly doubted that Alice react so violently or dramatically, but the idea of Alice being so deeply in denial that she convinced herself her sister was still alive was a frightening theory. One that she did not want to see unfold when Alice could no longer deny the reality of her sister's death just like the noblewoman had been completely delusional with what her husband was actually up to until she was forced to face the hard truth.

When the noblewoman had found herself unable to deny the reality she refused to accept, she went mad with grief and despair. The reality she tried so hard to keep out of her memories and head tore at her mercilessly with its claws and fangs until she was nothing but a screaming mess on the ground. The very next day, she took her life.

Rachel did not want that.

She did not want Alice to suffer any more than she had after her sister's passing.

But she could not allow her friend to continue losing herself in dreams; tethering herself to the past up until the point she could no longer deny reality and it tore her apart. Rachel had to be cruel to be kind.

"What?" Alice's eyes widened and her breathing quickened in panic. "Dead? But Lorina and I were just reading together earlier!"

What? Rachel blinked. What did she mean? Alice had been sleeping until- oh.

"Alice... I think you were dreaming. Edith told me that you come to the garden every Sunday and nap here since the funeral." Rachel paused before wording the question she was about to ask carefully. "Alice... do you come here every Sunday to dream about the Sunday afternoons you spent here with Lorina?"

And while Rachel had been expecting the meltdown, it was still painful to watch Alice react in the way she did. Alice's raw and painful scream as the truth of what happened to Lorina hit her immediately. The screaming instantly drew the household servants to the gardens and Rachel found herself being pushed back as the servants rushed to attend to their mistress. After screaming as loud as her lungs would allow her, Alice collapsed in grief as her body became wracked with sobs.

Needless to say, Rachel had been kicked out of the garden immediately. She supposed that she was lucky that she had not been banned from seeing Alice or the Liddell estate, but she was asked not to bring up the topic of Lorina with Alice ever again.

Not that it stopped Rachel from trying to get Alice to resume living in the present.

Because the alternative to that was something Rachel could not bear to think about.

 **[~]**

"Rachel?"

Rachel blinked several times as she realized that her name was being called. "Hm?"

Alice laughed softly at her friend and Rachel stared at her again. Alice had not laughed in such a long that that particular sound had startled her. "You looked like you were deep in thought about something. Was it about me? You were staring at me awfully hard."

Her friend's good mood was infectious as Rachel found herself smiling at what her friend had said. "You caught me. I couldn't help thinking that you look happier than you have in ages. Did something happen recently?"

But Rachel knew that something DID happen. Otherwise, why would the Alice sitting before her be such a stark contrast to the one who constantly dreamed of the Sunday afternoons where Lorina was still alive? As someone who was not only related to a psychologist, but also studying to help her father and older brother in the business, Rachel knew that guilt and depression was something that was very difficult to get out of. And even if they managed to get out of it, it was something that still lingered over them for a while.

The next expression that appeared on Alice's face was one that could only be described as bittersweet. Sadness mixed in with peace and acceptance were terms that Rachel would apply to that definition of bittersweet.

"Yes. Something did happen... a wonderful dream." Alice said the last part softly. "One I never wanted to wake up from... but one that made me forget not only the painful things in life, but the good things as well. The wonderful things I would never give up, even if it meant leaving that wonderful dream."

Alice was looking at Rachel as she said this.

Rachel sucked in a breath but did not say a thing. This was the first time that the two of them had met up just to have fun and talk with one another and she did not want to ruin it with something she said.

"It must have been some dream." Rachel finally said. "You look lighter. Almost as if a burden has been lifted from your shoulders."

Alice finally looked like she was ready to move on. From her guilt, her sadness and her heartache over the loss of her sister and her past with her brother in law. Her face was flush with colour and life had returned in her eyes; it had been painful looking into those dull blue eyes whenever Rachel set out to meet her in Alice's back garden.

"Do you want me to tell you about it?" Alice asked as she grabbed one of the two menus that had been set on the table and opened one.

"Of course." Rachel said as she proceeded to do the same. "We have a lot of catching up to do. And I for one am curious about this wonderful dream you had."

That wonderful dream that had apparently given Alice the strength to face her past and misery head on and given her back her smile. Rachel had a feeling that some of her answers to the story that Alice was going to tell would lie in there.

"Well it all started when I was out in the garden..." Alice began.

...

...

 **Fin**

* * *

 **Took me three days to finally work on this, but it's finally done. Yay!**

 **One of the things that annoys me the most is the perception that Alice would not be happy back in her original world and that it was better for her to stay in Wonderland to run around with the gorgeous Roleholders who do everything in their power to keep here there. Maybe she would be happy, maybe she wouldn't. But at the same time being in Wonderland pretty much left her in a state of denial about what really happened to her sister and the more she stayed in that world, the more delusional she became when it came to the truth about her sister. By Diamond, she's full on convinced herself that her sister is alive and well back in her original world when that could not be any further from the truth.**

 **That is not healthy. She's not dealing with her pain at all, but full on running away from it.**

 **That's called running away from reality and most people tend to worry about that kind of thing.**

 **That's why I'm not happy about Alice staying in Wonderland and why I admire her the most in the Truth Ending when she decides to return to her original world despite not getting any of the guys. Because she decides to move on with her life once and for all and not drown herself in the past and grief. To me, Alice shows true strength. She isn't giving up reality for Wonderland, no matter how much attention she receives from the Roleholders there. Wonderland isn't good for Alice, but it can also be said that Wonderland isn't really good for any Outsider at all so I'm not picking on Alice in that regard.**

 **Life is filled with trials of all sorts and not everyone can run off to some fantastical world where they can forget their pain and have everyone one lavish them with love and undying affection. In fact, dealing with pain is a part of reality. And if you refuse to deal with that pain, doing everything in your power to avoid dealing with reality... well, I can tell you that it isn't a good thing. Take all the time you need to come to terms with whatever hardships come into your life, but don't avoid it forever.**

 **And yes, Alice does have friends. What about that girl in the Truth Ending? The fact that she tries to get Alice out of the house on Sundays means that she is very concerned about Alice. And Alice strikes me as someone who has few friends- but the few friends she DOES make are probably people she trusts a lot too and who in turn trust her and are very concerned about her well-being. If they weren't really close friends, then Alice's friend wouldn't show concern for her.**

 **I'm sure many of you wondering about Alice's ex-boyfriend marrying Lorina- one of my friends, well-versed in the HnKnA series, said that an interesting theory about the series was that Alice had convinced herself that Lorina had rejected the advances of her ex. That perhaps the opposite had happened and that Lorina perhaps accepted the ex-boyfriend. Though this idea was truly born from reading 'Buried in Water' by Misdiagnosed Ghost which I really liked. In that fic, Alice's boyfriend and Lorina had married each other and had a daughter. So the idea isn't entirely mine, but I liked it. Besides, it doesn't take up the entire premise of the story.**

 **Also, society is much too obsessive with people being in relationships. What's wrong with being single? There's nothing wrong being part of a couple, but seriously... what's wrong with being single? Your life isn't ruined if you never get together with another person.**

 **And I know Wonderland isn't a dream- but Alice probably has no idea how to really explain the story to Rachel without coming off as insane. At least at first.**

 **One of my favorite quotes from the 07-Ghost manga stated by a character (who is voiced by Kouki Miyata) that can be applied to this situation is:**

"True happiness comes from overcoming suffering. No one can shoulder your burdens for you."

-Labrador/Ilyusha Kraut

 **And no that doesn't mean you should make yourself endure as much suffering as you can, but it's a good line.**


End file.
